Too ManyDead Brain Cells Are Not Conducive To Good Writing

Wow this is hard..

It's 10:00 am on Saturday morning. I'm starting to put together my first blog post in two years and I'm sitting here with a brain feeling like it's filled with molasses. Thoughts that should flow, or at least dribble out are only coming out in slow sticky drips.

This is not new by any means. For years now I've struggled during the process of writing.
Losing thoughts or my entire train of thought as soon as I encounter the next descriptive word that's playing hide-and-seek with my brain, or being unable to remember how the punctuation or grammar should go.

Part of the process to deal with this has been going into the thesaurus and searching through sometimes multiple (here's a good example of struggling for a word that should take seconds to decide on but may take 5-20 minutes now, and may lead to me forgetting what I was originally trying to say. "tangents" is the only word that came to me but I'm sure that there's another word that's much better, that fits what I'm describing. What I need is an app where I can describe what I'm trying to say and have it produce some choices for me. I seem to recall something like that where you could type in some words and it would kind of distill your input, hopefully providing the word or phrase you were looking for.). See what I did there? In the process of trying to explain, one thing led to another, and the next thing you know 30+ minutes have passed. 
Tangents was an appropriate word. I want to go from A to B but along that path I end up taking multiple side trips, and when searching for words in a thesaurus the words are all hyperlinked so I might open up multiple browser tabs from the original word, then the same thing can happen from any one of those other words. To make it more distracting, sometimes I just get interested in some of the other words I encounter!

Now many writers will not worry about fine tuning things in the first draft and just concentrate on getting their thoughts down without restricting the flow. In my case I would likely never get back to finish them because I can't follow any structured, organized schedule. I've learned that the way I get things done (when possible) is to complete them in one shot, and if that means working on a blog post all day & into the night that's what I have to do. The times I do end up working into the night have a way of ending sloppily though. Fatigue sets in and that's that. It would be so nice to be able to pick up where I left off the next day or even have multiple projects going but these days I consider myself fortunate to even feel like writing (at least more than 140 characters at a time).

Writing, in part, has been a way for me and so many others to achieve a small level of control during stressful times. My need for things to be correct, lined up and in order detract from that control because I realize that my writing skills, specifically my grammar and punctuation (and likely other areas that I'm not even aware of) are sloppy and are much lower than I would like them to be.
I simply have lost the ability to learn anything new (and retain it) unless it's something I can apply on a daily basis, and since there are very few things I do regularly these days learning new skills is rare.
It would be so helpful if I had someone to proofread and edit my writing, however ever since my father, then mother died within a short time of each other, I have lived a very solitary life and do everything alone. The whole technology revolution (at least since the desktop computer & Internet) has been something I've tried to learn on my own (not having any 'tech' friends that I could ask questions or collaborate with). I did fairly well keeping up with most of the advances and even authored a consumer-level security (alerts & advice) blog in a section of my local paper the Concord Monitor. But things like recurring depression and family matters started eroding my memory and intellectual abilities to the point that I wasn't able to do all the work necessary to keep up with all the news.
Without having someone 'live' to ask questions to about punctuation or grammar (as opposed to websites like "Grammar Girl"), or someone to check/correct things, I kind of just ended up doing what I can with what I've got.

I almost completely stopped writing anything for a while during the time of their deaths. I was diagnosed with Diabetes, Sleep Apnea and a few other things. Those things, combined with pre-existing mental health and neurological problems, all the medications and their side-effects, along with the physical effects of disorders like apnea, high cholesterol and diabetes have had over the years, conspired to starve my brain cells of oxygen. 
Lately, while my diabetes and cholesterol is under better control than it has been in years, the Sleep Apnea has increased to a scary level. My brain (and other organs) is being starved of oxygen at night and the daytime starts out with me being very spaced out, not getting much clearer over the day.
It's now 1:41 pm and as I was writing that last sentence my mind just took another trip into the void for a few seconds..

Despite all that I somehow wrote these 955 words in the last four hours..

I will try to do better than one post every two years. Next will be a new post over at The Chesterfield Dispatch (with lots of photos and possibly video in the future!).

Thanks for reading.

A Long Winter's Nap

ZZzzzzzzzz -------------

Napping is what I seem to be doing the majority of the time these days. Not by choice mind you, but finding the energy and motivation to do much of anything has been a struggle over the past months.

As evidenced by my previous post my cognitive abilities are much less than they were even at the beginning of this year. Composing posts used to take a long time, mainly because I have a hard time coming up with the precise words I want to use (in my mind I know what I want to say but the word is maddeningly elusive), but now the whole process has slowed greatly.

Still, every once in a while I'm sharper, I have energy, and actually feel like getting things done and/or getting out of my apartment. When it happens I try to take advantage of it and get all the chores like cleaning (vacuuming, dusting, laundry, kitchen & bath) done. Before the effects of diabetes complicated things I would do a lot of writing during these periods, but since then it's like someone opened up my brain and poured molasses inside (this post took me over 3 hrs to complete).

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I'm posting this because I feel like I need to let people know why my activity has been even slower than usual (and more disjointed) and kind of depressing. I really want to post a bunch of much more positive and interesting things, honest! 

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It's funny (not really, but..) when I lay down for a nap my mind starts thinking about all kinds of things. It's much more focused than when I'm up and about. But if I try to write down notes or even put it on tape I can't get past the first one! The process of doing that seems to disrupt the original thoughts (like a computer log set so low that it 'overwrites' itself). If there was a way of recording thoughts (passively) directly from my brain it would be such a help. I'd be willing to bet that in the future it will be possible, and by the time that happens getting it from a clinical/research setting to an affordable consumer device will be the easy part.

Now that I think about it, by the time [that] is possible scientists should have a much clearer picture of how brain chemistry works, hopefully developing much more effective treatments for things like depression, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, etc.. Perhaps some combination of gene and neurogenesis treatment..

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So now, tomorrow I go to talk about changing primary care physician and working on a more effective personal care plan (is that what it's called?) between health care providers and myself.

I need some kind of support 'cause all this is really hard to accomplish and deal with on my own..... I don't even have a pet

NOTE TO SELF: Make your next post much more positive!

Streams currently running...(ITB)

Number one, Novartis cut me out of their [$5 copay] assistance program with absolutely no warning so I haven't been able to take my Ritalin for around a month and I have no idea how to come up with the $300+ Wal-Mart wants for 100 pills.
Novartis is demanding that I provide a 'refusal letter' from Medicare part-D (which I can't afford) for them to continue providing assistance (in stark contrast to Novartis ads and those of the Prescription Assistance people [with the bus and the TV personality/shill for the drug companies Montel Williams]).
I find it interesting how their stated income limit (in the letter) is exactly the amount I get each month from Social Security...

Update: The real 'prescription assistance' people (the wonderful women at my local hospital) tell me that drug companies stopping their assistance with no warning has become commonplace lately!
Since the Bush administration gave drug companies the 'gift' of "Medicare Part-D" legislation it's been used as an excuse to drop needy patients while BS'ing the public with misleading advertisements. THIS is the culture that Bush&Co brought to Washington DC!

On a side note, yesterday on CNBC I heard them talking about Novartis and how they were in a 'good position' because they still have a number of years before many of their products go 'generic'.
I always thought that because Ritalin has been around for so long that it was available as a generic but not so. It wasn't until asking the price of Ritalin [without] the 'co-pay' assistance I found out that there still is no generic equivalent!

Q: Is it even 'legal' to cut someone off from their medication(s) with absolutely no warning?
Shouldn't there be a 60-90 day notification of some sort?
I need some advice on the subject but can't afford it, and I don't know of any local legal advocate service for the poor here in Concord, NH (even though Franklin Pierce Law School is right here in town).

I live on a single Social Security Disability payment each month and my only semi-asset is the 2000 Toyota Camry that was my father's until he passed away last April, so I live on the 'edge' of disaster constantly.

Recently I went without my [2] blood pressure meds for around 3 weeks because I couldn't afford the $8 they cost at Wal-Mart. You see by the first week of each month I'm almost out of money, so if my meds run out during the mid-to latter part of the month I'm 'SOL'.

Not having Ritalin manifests itself in a number of ways, and the main thing is motivation and being able to focus on one thing at a time (for a meaningful period of time). I've done more sitting in my chair watching TV [lately] with the PC three feet away and having absolutely no desire to make the effort to get up and use it.
I never noticed the effect while I was taking Ritalin, but after the first day without it all I felt like doing was sleeping. Then as the days went on a general malaise set in and I've found myself mostly sitting, and frequently having bouts of extreme sadness and feeling hopeless. Of course that exacerbates my chronic depression and anxiety.

One health emergency or car repair away from an even worse standard of living.

Actually, many of those things have already happened to a certain degree, which results in bills having to be put off, going without medication and living off the cheapest foods which are largely high in carbohydrates/fat. And don't forget the harassing phone calls (Concord Hospital!).
Right now it's 2 weeks into September and my car still isn't inspected because it needs rear brakes and I have just enough money left for the 'inspection' fee but not for the repairs.
(On the 'bright' side, I am saving on gas...)

Living with all this uncertainty just compounds the daily effects of my Depression. I've developed mental tricks to tolerate some of those by (now that I think about it, I don't at this moment know exactly how I deal with it). Some of the effects are undoubtedly manifested through my body as various maladies, and contribute to my 'dark days'.

It's so frustrating, the president and others in control seem to lie with impunity while the world falls apart, and the poor having many of the strands of their 'safety net' slashed by the Republican party in favor of more 'corporate welfare' and war costs. That frustration manifests itself in bad ways also.

The situation that our president has lied his way into stabs at me like a knife, and there seems to be no hope of things getting better for a long time. He and his surrogates continue to lie with impunity, playing out the clock until finally they will be gone and will try to pass the blame.
And the way things are these days, with the majority of the MSM too obliged to their corporate overlords to challenge BushCo's lies, they'll probably carry the president's water/message and blame Democrats in some absurd way.

Since Bush wormed his way into office, life for people like me has gone steadily downhill.
Cutting money for social programs while literally throwing money at 'big business' and the ultra-rich. Much of that is 'war profiteering' for friends and associates of the Bush/Cheney families.
I'm actually surprised crime rates aren't up dramatically with people claiming that "if the President and Attorney General (and so many others) can break the law and nothing happens to them why can't we?"

Here's the main reason that we're still in the quagmire called Iraq:
Republicans who continue to support Bush [period]. If not for their votes supporting Bush the war would be much further along towards some kind of conclusion.

To add to the outside influences, I've had a new neighbor for some months now. He's in his 20s, a survivor of brain surgery, a budding 'rapper', and fresh from Brooklyn, NY.
Now the previous occupant of the apartment was very quiet and respectful of his neighbors.
Jahar, on the other hand is not. He's got a big boom box that serves as his 'alarm clock' and when it comes on the bass is cranked all the way up and the thump makes it so that his neighbors can't enjoy what they're doing. A number of times the 'alarm' has gone off and he wasn't even there!
He's come up with some really childish excuses and came down knocking on my door recently babbling something about how he was sorry and that he 'cut the wires' and that it wouldn't happen again... but I hadn't heard a thing and didn't know what he was talking about. The very next weekend at around 10:30-11:00 PM the thing started blasting, I went up and knocked at his door (at times using a 'mule kick') but he wouldn't come to the door (as usual).
He's around 5'10" and 240 lbs. and he told me he was associated with a big gang in NYC so I don't know why he avoids coming to the door, but he told me later he was 'sleeping' through the blasting music and me almost kicking in his door....right.
NOTE: While I was knocking at his door two young black men came out of the elevator and one asked if he could be in my 'movie' (I was using a video camera to record the attempt to get the music shut down). I told him what I was doing whereupon he started laughing at me. His companion was even bigger than Jahar and wearing a black head-thing like the 'gangsta's' wear.
I told the kid to STFU but he was cackling like a hyena and disappeared down the hall. He later must have gone back to Jahar's apartment and told him what I was doing because Jahar came and knocked on my door asking me what was going on. That's when he claimed he was 'sleeping' through the whole thing.

Jahar thinks the solution to all my problems is just that "You need to smoke some weed!" although I don't think he does.

I think that what I need is for him to grow the f* up and have some respect for his neighbors!

Why don't I just be done with it and demand the landlord do something further? Not sure, I guess I'd rather he just behave/grow up. I don't want him evicted, but while the music is blaring, I feel like ripping his face off!
I guess that I forgive too quickly and screw myself in the process.

I just want to live in peace. I don't bother anyone (I have a powerful stereo w/ a subwoofer that could shake the whole building, but I won't use it [here] because I know it would disrupt my neighbor's lives and I don't have any right to do that)


To date I've written two complaints to the landlord (Hodges Corp./C.A.T.C.H.]). Those weren't done until I'd spoken to him and to date he still doesn't seem to get it. I've waited to complain again because I'd rather he 'conform' than be evicted.


That's all for now*, writing this has taken a lot of energy (and 2-3 hours). I don't have the wherewithal (or the patience) to edit myself, so here it is, raw (rah-rah-rah! [Big Bambu]).

Speaking of raw and unedited, I heard something on Public Radio the other night about Jack Kerouac the author of the "On the road" series of novels, and how his style of writing incorporated 'stream of consiousness' writing. I'd like to learn more about that, but for me and people like me there's a huge gap between wanting to get something done and actually doing it. So many other things take up space in my consciousness and thoughts and 'wants' come and go like wisps of smoke or the wind at times.
And like smoke, if you try to grab it it just disappears.


Until next time...whenever that may be, and remember "life is but a dream"**

Tom


* This is typical, I'm about to stop writing then I get on another subject and the stream continues meandering.
** Thanks to Dr. Wayne Dyer.